Finding Myself
Published by Korey Buchanek under on 9:57 AM
May 5, 2010
Have you ever heard someone talk about that moment, that season that they journeyed to quote “find themselves”? That thought that we at some point come to an understanding of who we really are in our own eyes. I guess it’s that feeling of becoming comfortable in our own skin. It’s that moment that we don’t see ourselves or establish our worth through the eyes of the world, but our own. Ever remember sitting in eye doctors chair with that piece of equipment on your face that he flips back and forth saying, “Which is clearer, one or two… two or three….” and you’re left to determine your own perception of what looks clear. That’s my perspective on finding myself, but in the manner that I’m flipping God’s lens for that clarity.
It’s a pretty freeing moment to have a clear and Godly perception of yourself. Not for what you look like on the outside, but for who you are. Recognizing that the way you are wired and creatively made is beautiful. It is heart knowledge that my worth is not found in the eyes of others. It is the understanding and peace that at the end of the day my worth is measured by the Creator, not the creation. Psalm 139:14 reads, “I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well."
If I had to be honest about it though, I sometimes wonder if I have a schizophrenic soul. See, I can’t say that “my soul knows it very well” that I’m wonderfully made. I get what the verse is saying. The context of this verse is the incredible nature of our physical bodies. The human body is the most complex and unique organism in the world, and that complexity and uniqueness speaks volumes about the mind of its Creator. Every aspect of the body, down to the tiniest microscopic cell, reveals that it is fearfully and wonderfully made. But, I’m not content stopping there with that evaluation of this verse. I don’t think it stops at the physical makeup of my cells or the mind blowing realities of the complexity of my brain or eye functions.
In my mind this verse is written by one that has a firm grasp on and for the love of their God. There is an understanding of the relentless pursuit of their God for His people. This author has a grasp on the fact that his God is jealous for him. Exodus 34:14 “for you shall worship no other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” Exodus 20:5 “For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God.” Deuteronomy 4:24 “For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” It’s the knowledge that I’m not random in his eyes. It’s “soul knowledge.” It’s that kind of knowledge that comes when you know that you know that you know the truth of something. It has no shred of doubt in it. It’s that soul knowledge that I’m an intricate part of His design and purpose in a redemptive story. It’s that soul knowledge that I was created for His purpose and His alone.
I want to have a firm grasp of God’s pursuit of me. I want my soul to know it not just well, but very well. The problem at times lies in the fact that my job requires me to come across as someone that has this all nailed down. I’m supposed to be the guy that helps people “find themselves” to some degree. People look to me to figure this stuff out and then teach about it. I struggle to take the time to define myself by who I am and not by what I do. I make those two things synonymous at times. If I were to be honest I would say that my job allows me to hide behind a head knowledge all the while struggling to accept it as heart knowledge. Don’t get me wrong. I’m secure in my soul knowledge that God loves me and that he sent His son to die for me. I’ve received His grace by faith regarding my salvation, but I want to know more than that about my God. I want to find myself in Him. I want to see what He sees in me. I want soul knowledge of the reality that my Father spent time to create my inmost being; and to know He knit me together in my mother's womb. I want to see myself as wonderful because He made me not because of what I do or don’t do. I want to find myself in the journey of knowing Him, not for the sake of knowing me, but Him in me. I want to see myself as someone that gives thanks knowing my worth is based on His work in me, not my own.
Have you ever heard someone talk about that moment, that season that they journeyed to quote “find themselves”? That thought that we at some point come to an understanding of who we really are in our own eyes. I guess it’s that feeling of becoming comfortable in our own skin. It’s that moment that we don’t see ourselves or establish our worth through the eyes of the world, but our own. Ever remember sitting in eye doctors chair with that piece of equipment on your face that he flips back and forth saying, “Which is clearer, one or two… two or three….” and you’re left to determine your own perception of what looks clear. That’s my perspective on finding myself, but in the manner that I’m flipping God’s lens for that clarity.
It’s a pretty freeing moment to have a clear and Godly perception of yourself. Not for what you look like on the outside, but for who you are. Recognizing that the way you are wired and creatively made is beautiful. It is heart knowledge that my worth is not found in the eyes of others. It is the understanding and peace that at the end of the day my worth is measured by the Creator, not the creation. Psalm 139:14 reads, “I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well."
If I had to be honest about it though, I sometimes wonder if I have a schizophrenic soul. See, I can’t say that “my soul knows it very well” that I’m wonderfully made. I get what the verse is saying. The context of this verse is the incredible nature of our physical bodies. The human body is the most complex and unique organism in the world, and that complexity and uniqueness speaks volumes about the mind of its Creator. Every aspect of the body, down to the tiniest microscopic cell, reveals that it is fearfully and wonderfully made. But, I’m not content stopping there with that evaluation of this verse. I don’t think it stops at the physical makeup of my cells or the mind blowing realities of the complexity of my brain or eye functions.
In my mind this verse is written by one that has a firm grasp on and for the love of their God. There is an understanding of the relentless pursuit of their God for His people. This author has a grasp on the fact that his God is jealous for him. Exodus 34:14 “for you shall worship no other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” Exodus 20:5 “For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God.” Deuteronomy 4:24 “For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” It’s the knowledge that I’m not random in his eyes. It’s “soul knowledge.” It’s that kind of knowledge that comes when you know that you know that you know the truth of something. It has no shred of doubt in it. It’s that soul knowledge that I’m an intricate part of His design and purpose in a redemptive story. It’s that soul knowledge that I was created for His purpose and His alone.
I want to have a firm grasp of God’s pursuit of me. I want my soul to know it not just well, but very well. The problem at times lies in the fact that my job requires me to come across as someone that has this all nailed down. I’m supposed to be the guy that helps people “find themselves” to some degree. People look to me to figure this stuff out and then teach about it. I struggle to take the time to define myself by who I am and not by what I do. I make those two things synonymous at times. If I were to be honest I would say that my job allows me to hide behind a head knowledge all the while struggling to accept it as heart knowledge. Don’t get me wrong. I’m secure in my soul knowledge that God loves me and that he sent His son to die for me. I’ve received His grace by faith regarding my salvation, but I want to know more than that about my God. I want to find myself in Him. I want to see what He sees in me. I want soul knowledge of the reality that my Father spent time to create my inmost being; and to know He knit me together in my mother's womb. I want to see myself as wonderful because He made me not because of what I do or don’t do. I want to find myself in the journey of knowing Him, not for the sake of knowing me, but Him in me. I want to see myself as someone that gives thanks knowing my worth is based on His work in me, not my own.
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