March 21, 2023

There are certain seasons that seem to come with more questions than answers.  You know, those seasons where the weight and silence seem overwhelming?  It’s not just the idea of things not going my way, it's that I'm uncertain as to what my way even means.  I struggle with my way.  I like my way.  I always have.  I don’t like my way to be micromanaged or dictated to by outside voices.  There is a reason it’s called my way.  

 

There is a selfishness to my way that is captured by my pride, my ego, my ambition.  It wakes up speaking to me even before I fumble in the darkness to find that ever elusive snooze button.  It clammers for space and attention in my mind like the gnawing pangs of an empty stomach.  It finds its way into my identity and purpose, clouding my vision as to who I am as a child of the King, because my King cannot be King in the midst of my way.  They cannot coexist.  He cannot be Lord and yet bow to my way.  

 

I wrestled with my way today as I walked through Romans 1.  Paul attempts to warn and plead with believers to identify this crab grass of my way that sprawls across our hearts like a withered lawn on a hot Texas July day.  See, like an invasive weed takes root, my way begins to produce an unrighteousness even in the best of soils.  It suffocates the truth in my life.  It chokes out His voice and replaces it with mine.  

 

I wrestle with this pursuit of righteousness, like the endless quest of ridding the obstinate weeds from the fresh soil in the garden of my soul.  See Paul makes the claim with a certain ambiguity, which is meant to bring clarity, “The righteous shall live by faith.”  But at first glance that is not as clear as it should be.  Paul is saying, “The one who by faith is righteous shall live.”  I began to see that I don’t have faith because I’m righteous.  My righteousness is the very reason I have faith, but not in my righteousness, His.  My way is rooted in the idea that I’m pursuing my own righteousness, but Christ declared there are none righteous, no, not even one.  

 

I know what it feels like to sense my life slipping away with the passing of each minute, hour, or day.  My joy, my hope running through my fingers as limited grains of sand held by my frail finite fingers.  What do I do with the season where there are more questions than answers?  Where I’m suffocating because of the pursuit of my way, what do I do?  I must recognize what brings life.  

 

I’m reminded of the backyard hose we as kids would drink from on those scorching summer days where we were “encouraged” to play outside.  If you were the unfortunate one to drink from the hose first, you experienced the taste of rubber lava. It wasn’t the water that was different on the front end, it was the hose that made the water less appealing.  The hose had sat in the piercing sun, looped around itself, openly exposed to the heat.  However, if you allowed the water to run for just a minute or two the water would change the environment of the hose.  The water dictated the temperature, not the hose.  

 

My way must allow the water of the Spirit in my life dictate the temperature.  However, that can only happen when I spend the time to let it run through me.  Through my heart, my mind, my soul with the purpose of exposing my way in exchange for His.  Recognizing that silence in my life is the product of my way crushing the beautiful sound of His way.  Its living in the knowledge of His righteousness verse the pursuit of my own.

                                                                                                                       January 31, 2023

The jaded heart is a deadly thing.  It taints the well of goodness and prevents us from seeing the character of God and the beauty of His creation both around us and in us.  The jaded heart is a sneaky thing.  It captures our affections like a slow burn creeps across the low lying grass of an open field.  It doesn't happen overnight and it rarely shows its plan for the future. It simply blinds the heart from seeing what is meant for our good and exchanges it for what is potentialy evil.  The jaded heart is wrapped in a hope that reveals itself as powerless, petty, and pushy.  It robes faith.  It robes joy and ultimately robs our strength.  Why? Because the joy of the Lord is our strength. And when our joy is robed our strength is the unfortunate recipient of those effects.

I've wrestled with a jaded heart in matters of the church and the people that make up the beautiful bride of Christ.  My jaded heart wasn't derived from a moment or a person, but a collective of the sort.  Over time I watched good intentions turn selfish and "goals" masked in vernacular of ministry.  I saw the industry of Christianity and the Christian Church become a machine that created with superb strokes of genius.  The problem was our strokes of genius pointed to the wrong artist.  They pointed to self, not the creator of self.  It drew people to a personality.  I drew people to an art form, not the ultimate Artist.  

But God has continued to show me that "the worshiping heart does not create its Object." A.W. Tozer points out in The Pursuit Of God, "that faith creates nothing. It simply reckons upon that which is already there."  See, my jaded heart wasn't the product of what had happened to me or of that which I had witnessed.  No, it was a product of what I chose to put my faith in.  I had found that I was more intent on following the visible verse the invisible that existed to draw my heart to its passions for me.  I was more content in believing there was God and yet, at the same time, failing to believe in Him.  The visible had become the enemy of the invisible and my heart was captured in a futile faith that couldn't stand in the midst of superb strokes of genius.  It crumbled. The journey of the jaded heart had begun.  

I was seeking the evidence of God in man.  My heart wasn't just jaded, it had become restless and my lens of seeking him had become skewed.  And when we can't see clearly we can't believe accurately.  Hebrews 11:6 states, "And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek Him."  The jaded heart misdirects the object of our faith.  And that heart can only be changed when our mind does.  Only when what I seek is Him not his blessing, not His favor and not my good.  When I want his presence, a conscience experience of His majesty, more than I want a result that gives me a cheap sense of satisfaction the jaded heart shatters. When I seek Him verses the desires of my heart, I recognize the spiritual, invisible strokes of His genius.  See the result of truly seeking Him is not simply the cure for the jaded heart, it's so much more. Seeking Him and His desires for my heart in turn realign my desires to His.  It's a beautiful thing to know that God's heart has never been jaded toward me.

                                                                                                                        January 5, 2016

It's been quite a while since my last post.  Four years to be exact and more life than I care to write about.  Today I find myself wrestling with the reality that I have an enemy that despises the King I worship, which in turn produces a hatred toward me.  Luke 4:13 points to an interesting truth that is easily missed at first glance.  After forty days in the wilderness and temptation from every angle, Jesus demonstrates the power of the written Word.  At each temptation he quotes scripture to address the attacks and lies of the enemy, but that is not what catches my attention as much as the final statement.

In verse thirteen of chapter four it says, "When the devil had finished every temptation, he left Him until an opportune time."  We get this idea that the devil tried and failed in the temptation of Christ, and that he gave up and when his own way. However, what scripture tells us here is that he's much more cunning and persistent to just give up.  He left Him until an opportune time.  He recognized that his future would provided moments of weakness and pain, moments of hurt and sorrow, in which the enemy would wait for.  We know that even at the cross the enemy tried to speak lies into the mind of Christ and at his weakest moment he stayed focused on His calling.

The question is, "What are the opportune times in my present future that the enemy is waiting for?"  I have to admit that if I'm attempting big things for the cause of Christ and I'm preaching the gospel, the redemptive story, to see lives transformed then the enemy is going to recognize the opportune times in my life to bring my world crashing down.  I recognize that with some this thought may produce fear or anxiety, but those emotions are not the emotions of the Holy Spirit in my life.  "For my God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."  No, my thought is focused on the opportune time.  What does opportune timing look like in my schedule?  What does it look like in my fatigue or my morally nurtural things that I give myself to: sports, recreation, friendships.  Things that are not bad in and of themselves, but things that produce a laziness in my life that cause my eyes to be taken off the written Word of God.

I write today to remind myself that an opportune time could be today.  An opportune time could be in one of my finest hours.  Today I take every thought captive.  I stand on the written Word.

Exhausted after three days of travel, yet I can't sleep.   It's 1:40 in the morning here in Zimbabwe  and I'm still running on adrenaline.  I'm fascinated by the culture and the graciousness of a marginalized people that have so little, but are willing to give so much.  I'm already wrestling with the thought that I came here to better understand how we could help, but I feel like they are helping me more by changing my paradigm as to how we see the world.

We spent the day driving through the city of Bulawayo and buying supplies for our trip to Tuloche later this morning.  We will leave early this morning as it will take us two and a half hours to arrive at a community with a hundred children that have stayed in this village since Sunday night once they heard of our coming.  These children of all ages have "slept in their clothes" as they call it to see us.  See, many of these orphans will travel a day by foot to worship with a church that provides a sponsorship through Horizon International for their education, food, clothing and clean water.  They have not returned to their caregivers in order to see us.  

Tonight may be the first time that a roster that has crowed all night long hasn't bothered me.  I found out today, as our host was showing us his garden, that the fifteen or so chickens that he is raising will be given to an orphan to have as their own food supply.  Each time I see how this community, even though separated by large distances, cares for one another it reminders me of Acts four as the church met one another's needs.  They are showing me how you can have a deep love for someone you may not meet for another few hours. It's truly humbling.

The joyous thing that I have had the privilege of seeing now on several different continents is that precious and impoverished people don't recognize their circumstances they way I see them.  They have a joy.  The smiles are abundant and the laughter can be heard so frequently that it's  contagious.  Their joy is not captured by the thought of more things or even more money.  They see life in a moment at a time.  Their not thinking about next month or even tomorrow for that matter, but they  have tremendous needs... Or do they?  

Lord help me this week to see through your eyes.  Help me to realize I'm not here to fix something or to solve a problem that only exists in my mind.  I want to better understand this joy unspeakable that wont go away when there's just enough time to live for today.  So I'll never have to worry what tomorrow will bring cause I'm counting on God.

                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                         September 10, 2012

 As a father I have the privilege of playing some of the classic childhood games that I loved as a kid, now with my own children.  However, with my children they don't seem to work the same way.  See Carter, my son with Fragile X, never quite seems to grasp the concept of certain games.  Hide and Seek is his favorite game and he can play it for hours.  The difference lies in the way the game ends for him.  You see when I count and I go looking for him he gets too nervous to hide and whenever I get to close he jumps out and screams, "Here I am!"  Always with the same enthusiasm as the fifteen games before.

Throughout the course of Carters life he has shown me things that reveal the face and heart of God with great clarity.  Even in the midst of an innocent child-like game I see God's desire for me.  Each and every time I watch my son jump out of hiding to declare his presence I want to correct his understanding and help him play the game right, but I can't.  See Carter finds great joy in being found even if he is the one making certain that everyone knows where he is.  He doesn't like hiding.  His heart would burst if he thought someone left him behind or forgot him.  He wants to be known.

I wish I didn't like hiding so much.  Not like hiding in a game, but in life.  I totally get the garden scene where Adam and Eve hid from God.  That makes so much sense to me even if it was God they were hiding from.  I hide my sin like no one will find it.  I hide my emotions the same way.  As an extrovert most would say I'm pretty transparent, but that is only partly true.  I'm transparent with the safe stuff.  Even the edgy stuff that I promote as part of my past I will put out there for most to see, but not the real stuff that consumes me today.  You could say that I'm a pro at Hide and Seek, but the problem is I'm hiding the wrong things and failing to seek the one that heals.

 Now at first glance one might think both the writer and the writing here is a bit gloomy, but quite the contrary.  If you haven't followed my writing before you might miss the fact that I primarily only write when I see God moving in His Word while it converges with my life.  Isaiah 65:1 says, "I permitted Myself to be sought by those who did not ask for Me; I permitted Myself to be found by those who did not seek Me, I said, "Here am I, here am I," to a nation which did not call on My name."  Today I write because I recognize that God is allowing me to find Him even when I haven't been seeking Him.  Couching in my dark corner hoping the light will not reveal my heart is not an option any longer.  He found me.  He redeemed me.  He loves me and holds each and every part of my life regardless of how hard I try to hide.

                                                                                                                          July 23, 2012

What's the difference between hope and living hope?  1 Peter 1:3-9 speaks to the reality that my common day idea of hope is so inadequate.  In my family we hope the Bronco's will make it back to the Superbowl.  I hope my kids don't break something today.  I hope my lunch is better than yesterday.  I hope in a lot of things that really, at the end of the day, carry with them very little concern or consequence if they never come to fruition... except the Bronco's and the Superbowl of course. Living hope is a drastically different understanding when I speak of the hope I have in my Lord and Savior.

Regardless of the realities that overwhelm my life I understand something that changes my perspective that most of the world doesn't understand.  Today is not really about today.  See many of us wake up wondering about today and what difficulties we may face through out it, but what if I saw those difficulties as the very thing that made my future even sweeter?  What if the trials were only a measuring stick to determine the proof of my faith?  Peter talks about the proof of my faith resulting in a greater understanding of praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  So if I understand this right it means that as my faith strengthens because of the trial then my understanding of his glory will be even greater.

So today, and the trials within it, really becomes about the testing of my faith so that my future may understand a greater depth of His presence and the joy inexpressible of knowing Him.  Understanding a living hope is a paradigm shift in our understanding of the word hope.  It transforms this word that communicates a mere desire for a desired outcome into a understanding that our hearts lock onto something as a pit bull does to a bone.  It's knowing that I don't let go of something until the moment of my choosing, not the worlds.  My hope is locked onto the fact that my King will be returning during or after this temporal stint in a world filled with suffering and pain.  That hope understands that when He does return there is an inheritance that will not pass away as a result of my faith in His salvation.

Father allow me to see the trials and difficulties as they are, trials for the purification of my faith.  Allow me to hold on to this living hope as dearly as life itself.  Thank you for allowing me to see that this journey is not about making my name famous, but yours.  Thank for loving me and allowing me to see the goodness of your character even in the midst of this fallen world.  I love you Father.

                                                                                                                                 July 21, 2012

I write today as a weary and tired father.  I'm tempted to keep this post private like I have so many others regarding my journey as an adoptive parent. I've been angry, sad, and disappointed at so many different points on this road and I maintain the opinion that adoption has been my greatest challenge in both ministry and life. Don't get me wrong, there have been moments of great joy and pride that have come from the progression of my children and their steps to growing up, but the steps are painstaking at times.  I hate sounding jaded.  I don't like to complain, never have.  However, there are times when being real about my stage of life demands honesty about how I feel and what I need from my God and Father. 

Today I read Hebrews 2 and I had to ask what it looks like for God to give help.  Hebrews 2:16 through 18 both speak to God coming to the aid and help of those that need Him.  I've been in ministry now for sixteen years and I understand what it means to have a redemptive Father.  I know Him as a sacrifice for my sins. I'll never be able to fully comprehend that, but as glorious as it is to know the depths of my salvation there are moments where my eternal inheritance does not carry the weight of today.

"Come to me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest."  This verse sounds good and I understand it to read as a promise, but it is contingent on me coming to Him first.  It's a tough place when you get so jaded you don't even want to come to Him, but it's real.  We close off and hold the world at bay.  The continued on slot of daily struggles keep us from ever caring about His promises.  It's in those moments we recognize mercy.  That leads me to my next blog...

Father, I need strength and wisdom to be the man you called me to be.  Never let this life be the focus of my struggle, but the prize of knowing your glorious presence.  Hold my family in your grip and allow me to see the tangible presence of your power and grace.  I love you Father.

                                                                                                     April 30, 2012

I've often criticized traditions or customs from older days that I felt were outdated or unnecessary without ever understanding why those practices were there in the first place.  A large part of that immaturity in my life is rooted in arrogance that thinks my ways are better.  The older I get the more I see this in me and I work diligently at breaking this prideful mindset.  Today's reading in 2 Samuel 6:3 showed me once again that God's ways don't need my input or expertise to improve them, but that obedience to the old ways will do just fine.

Here we have King David doing a good thing in bringing the ark of God back to the city of David, but there is a small detail that sticks out in my mind.  In verse 3 is states, "They placed the ark of God on a new cart that they might bring it from the house of Abinadab which was on the hill; and Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, were leading the new cart." I'm sure everyone thought this moment would be filled with joy and excitement as they danced and celebrated the return of the ark, but instead if was one of grief and loss as they gave way to their own arrogance.  In the midst of doing something great they brought their new and improved ways to the event and forgot the instructions of the Lord.  Some young guy like myself thought to himself, "Why not use a new cart that will make things easier and faster?  I'm sure no one wants to use those old acacia wood polls and have to lug that heavy thing down the mountain."  However, when the ox stumbled and Uzzah put his hand on the ark to settle it, it cost him his life.

Here is the problem with our way of thinking, it's not God's way of thinking.  When God gives clear direction in my life His desire is not for me to improve it, it's to obey it.  If I'm ever going to understand a depth of maturity in my walk with Christ I have to put my ego aside and understand a humbleness that leads to a right understanding of my place before Christ.  God doesn't need my help to make the christian life easier or more productive.  He needs me to come to a place of reliance and understanding that His Ways are enough and that sometimes the heart of what I deem tradition has a rightful place and purpose in this spiritual journey.

Father today I want to acknowledge that I'm not always comfortable with your ways, but I want to be.  I want to depend on You for my direction and purpose.  I want to trust in You with all my heart and lean not in my own understanding.  I want to acknowledge Your ways in order for You to direct my path.  I want to grow in You.  Thank you for loving me in spite of my pride.  I love You Father.

                                                                                                                                           April 5, 2012

The older I get the more and more I feel like I'm not at home here.  I'm not talking about Pueblo, CO or even the past places of Hawaii or Denver.  I'm talking about earth.  It's that feeling that everything seems foreign or out of place in my mind.  It's that round peg in a square hole feeling.  It's not a glaring thing or even an unsettling thing, it's just a feeling that seems to drip its influence into regular everyday life.

Today I read Ruth 1 & 2, Psalm 53 & 61 and 2 Corinthians 5.  It's Paul's words in 2 Cor. that permeate within me.  These are words that bring great courage and hope into the future that my Father has for me.  The words of Paul are words that speak to a great future and home.  It's found in 2 Cor. 5:8 that says, "We are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord."  To be at home is a good feeling after a long trip or a long day at work.  There is something about home that makes life a little more settled and calming.  However, the thought of being at home with the Lord is an amazing thought that brings me great joy.  It allows me to understand that this isn't as good as it's going to get.

I've been criticized before by believers that feel that I have some death wish or that I don't cherish life here as I should.  It's not that I don't dearly love my family or enjoy the ministry that God has blessed me with, but it's a soul thing.  There is something in my heart that constantly reminds me that I'm not at home here.  The beauty of that unsettled feeling is what produces an ambition to please Him here in what I do.  And within that ambition it makes the thought of that moment I enter eternity with my King a sweeter experience. It's kind of like when I walk through the door after a long day and say, "Honey, I'm home."  and I hear my kids yell, "Daddy's home!" and life settles for a brief moment.  It's that moment when I scream, "Daddy I'm home!" and know that He enjoys the thought of his child being home that reminds me that He loves me deeper than I truly understand.  But until then, I understand that verse 15 remains... "and He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf."

Father, today I recognize your goodness that has been demonstrated on my behalf.  Thank You for dieing for me and stirring my spirit to acknowledge my need for You.  May my heart, mind, soul and spirit be focused on You and Your desires for my life.  I want to understand faithfulness in my walk and my words as I seek to serve You and your Bride.  Thank You Father for all that You have done and I say thank You for all that I know You are going to do.  Father, I love You....

                                                                                                                                               April 2, 2012

I had dinner the other night with a guy that made the statement, "I don't judge nobody."  That statement stuck in my mind for a few days as I asked myself the question, "How often do I really judge others in my everyday life?"  Today as I was reading in the book of Judges, without realizing it, I answered that question in my heart with unsettling clarity.  The Word revealed that I have a tendency to frequently gauge my place before God in accordance with how God viewed people of status in scripture.  What I mean by that is simple.  I think I'm better than people, well, not better than them, I just think God loves me more.  That's messed up, right?

Well, today I was reading about Sampson in Judges 13-16.  Here Sampson's life is chronicled from his birth to his death in just three chapters.  But these three chapters are full of excerpts that were pivotal life moments. Monumental moments that I might just pass over if I were in a hurry to read through this book.  These moments clarify his calling as a Nazirite, they detail his lifestyle as a womanizer, they capture his anger and they point to his pride and arrogance as a man of great strength.  He marries a Philistine women against the wishes of his parents.  He spends the night with a harlot in Gaza after his wife dies. He burns the crops of the Philistines by catching three hundred foxes, and taking a torch, and then he turned the foxes tail to tail while putting the torch in the middle between the two tails. This is anger at its finest.  He allows Delilah, another women he's just sleeping with, to deceive him. He willing placed himself in a place of temptation and he ends up giving up his secret to his God given strength after she lies to him three times.  His arogance puts him in a place that ultimately led to his capture, torture and death by his own hands.

So much to talk about there, but the bottom line came in the last verse of chapter sixteen. Judges 16:31 "Then his brothers and all his father's household came down, took him, brought him up and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the tomb of Manoah his father. Thus he had judged Israel twenty years." What? Did that just say he had judged Israel for twenty years?  I didn't read anything about him judging the people of Israel.  I read three chapters about a guy that lived a pitiful lifestyle and allowed his poor choices to ultimately place him in captivity... Then I heard it clearly, "So you think you're better than him?"  If I'm going to be honest in my writing I have to say that my answer was way to quick..."Yes".  If God used him than I'm gold!  I flipped through all my life choices that I've propped myself up with to make me feel superior and said I'm better than him.  Then God showed up like he normally does and said, "Not on your best day are you worth more than a pile of minstrel rages in my sight."  Today I was reminded of the power of God's grace.  My life apart from Christ is worthless.  It's Christ in me that gives me my worth as His adopted child.  Through the redeeming message of Christ on the cross I find my place of humility and brokenness before a Holy God that desires to use my broken pieces to bring Him glory.  In Christ alone...

Father, I'm pretty messed up most of the time.  I want to say thank you for caring enough about this broken creature to usher me into your Kingdom through Your saving grace.  It's by the price of Your Son that forgiveness gives me any hope in this crazy messed up thing called life.  I ask today that You give me a Christ like lens to view this world around me.  Break this judgemental spirit in me that creeps in more than I care to admit.  Help me today to recognize my place in You.  Father, I love You.