Claw Marks

                                                                                                                         May 18, 2023

This morning I heard a friend refer to the claw marks he’s left on all the things that discipleship has called him to give up.  That hit home for me.  The level of truth that comes with that statement is gut-wrenching.  Genuine Christ-centered discipleship calls us into a life that is not our own.  It forces me to look at my story and recognize the litany of claw marks I’ve left behind.    “Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me.”  That’s the call.  That’s the cost of discipleship.

 

I’ve never been very good at denying myself.  From my diet, my rhythms, relationships, and financial stewardship, my inner self has always fought to find its way to the forefront.  It clamors for attention like a two-year-old in a candy store when no one is watching.  Me, me, me, is that nature of our souls that we war with.  Self brings frustration and sorrow, yet it never seems to be completely silenced in our pursuit of something greater or something Godly.  

 

When I look back over my spiritual journey there are some things that reveal gnarly, altering marks that when given too much attention bring back a shame that reminds me of my inability to surrender.  See, I believe that the ultimate mark on my life as a disciple is measured by my level of surrender.  My ability to yield to what is greater, grander, and giving of His glory.  To choose His will over my own.  

 

See that is why I believe the cross holds such a presence in the redemptive story.  The cross was and is an instrument of death.  It’s cruel, brutal, and insufferable.  It’s too extreme to bear alone.  And my misperception of the cross has been my greatest hurdle to yielding to His will.  Once I began to understand the reason Christ called us to take up our cross, I began to recognize the freedom that came with my death.  You and I cannot carry our cross alone.  Our crosses crush our joy, our spirit, and our resolve.  Self cannot survive on the cross.  

 

The only way for me to take up my cross is to yield to the one who already overcame the death that the cross gives way to.  Matthew 16:24 reads:  Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”  If you fail to understand the order of Christ's words, then one's life will be marred with painful claw marks.  He says, “If anyone would come after me,” is the deal breaker.  I can’t pursue Christ and self at the same time.  I have a choice to make.  He doesn’t make that choice for me.  He invites me to pursue Him.  He welcomes me, but He doesn’t force the pursuit on me.  

 

My dilemma comes in the perceived weight of the pursuit of self.  The pursuit of self never brings contentment. It only brings a greater sense of my need for more.  He says, “Let him deny himself”.  As early as I can remember I’ve never been fond of being told what I can’t have.  It’s why Jesus says, “Let him.”  He’s giving freedom to freely make the choice of Savior over self.  Let him what?  He says, “deny himself.”  I must acknowledge His invitation of the refusal to give or grant myself what this world tells me I should want.  It’s a refusal of a lie for His truth.  So, he gives me the understanding by which denial is ultimately accomplished.  Death.

 

“Take up your cross” is clear about whose cross this is.  Not His cross, but mine.  He knows what I need to die to which makes my cross personal.  I believe Jesus is saying, once you refuse to pursue your selfish ambition, I’ll give you the strength to die to it, but not until.  The cross is the freedom, but the willingness to die on it, well that’s the hard part.  See Jesus gives assurance in his words, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”  However, you can’t receive that shalom until you take the steps to come to Jesus.  Once you surrender your will to the leading of Christ, He gives you the strength to endure the cross.  I don’t carry my cross alone.  

 

See, He finishes that statement with, “and follow me.”  If I follow someone in close enough proximity, they will feel my weight.  If I get close enough, they will carry my weight.  How closely I follow Jesus impacts the weight of my cross.  The moments when the Christian life seems too heavy to bear typically have evidence of the marks my claws have left while holding on to myself versus my Savior.