May 10, 2010

Have you ever had to wait on the Lord for something? The silence can be deafening. I know that these seasons produce patience and a hope that do not disappoint, but that doesn’t make the middle of the silence any easier. Isaiah 40:31 tells us, “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint” and Psalms 27:14 says, “Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.” Scripture almost makes it sound easy. However, patience has never come easy to the nature of men.

When I find myself having to wait on something I begin to interpret things in a manner that justify my desires. From scripture to casual conversations, perspective is shaped and molded by a selfish nature. The waiting seems to bring its own voice. That’s what makes waiting on the Lord so hard. Over the life of my ministry I have learned that my ways are not always His ways and my timing is defiantly not His either. The hardest part for me in the wait is understanding the heart of my God. It’s the learning to wait upon His desire to be embraced by my own heart that takes its toll. There are those moments that I want to bow my chest out and claim that I have assurance in His way for me, but then He never fails to humble me again.

However, I believe God wants us to know His heart in order for us to understand his desire and will for our lives. Matt. 7:7 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” One of my favorites is Jeremiah 29:13-14, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." God’s people have always had a hard time waiting on Him. You can take ten minutes to look at the Israelites to see that forty years in the wilderness had to be excruciating with their short term memory.

So what does the Lord have to do in order to make us depend on Him? Is there any other way in our finite minds to develop a trust and hope in Him outside of waiting? I don’t think there is for me. The only way for me to abandon my personal pursuit for selfish gain and ambition is to be left in a place of waiting. I have to find myself in a place that I can’t fix. My methods of solving problems and my abilities to find answers have to be exhausted in order for my hard head to come to a place of trust in Him. So I wait. The minutes turn to hours and the hours to days. Prayer becomes focused on His heart and not my own. Want becomes dependence and dependence becomes hope. My heart begins to realize that endurance is not about my ability to wait. It’s about being willing enough to wait. It’s in that waiting that I see a hope produced in the knowledge that God is faithful. His faithfulness will endure even when my heart fails. Thank you God for the seasons that call me to wait on You.

                                                                                                                     May 5, 2010

Have you ever heard someone talk about that moment, that season that they journeyed to quote “find themselves”? That thought that we at some point come to an understanding of who we really are in our own eyes. I guess it’s that feeling of becoming comfortable in our own skin. It’s that moment that we don’t see ourselves or establish our worth through the eyes of the world, but our own. Ever remember sitting in eye doctors chair with that piece of equipment on your face that he flips back and forth saying, “Which is clearer, one or two… two or three….” and you’re left to determine your own perception of what looks clear. That’s my perspective on finding myself, but in the manner that I’m flipping God’s lens for that clarity.

It’s a pretty freeing moment to have a clear and Godly perception of yourself. Not for what you look like on the outside, but for who you are. Recognizing that the way you are wired and creatively made is beautiful. It is heart knowledge that my worth is not found in the eyes of others. It is the understanding and peace that at the end of the day my worth is measured by the Creator, not the creation. Psalm 139:14 reads, “I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well."

If I had to be honest about it though, I sometimes wonder if I have a schizophrenic soul. See, I can’t say that “my soul knows it very well” that I’m wonderfully made. I get what the verse is saying. The context of this verse is the incredible nature of our physical bodies. The human body is the most complex and unique organism in the world, and that complexity and uniqueness speaks volumes about the mind of its Creator. Every aspect of the body, down to the tiniest microscopic cell, reveals that it is fearfully and wonderfully made. But, I’m not content stopping there with that evaluation of this verse. I don’t think it stops at the physical makeup of my cells or the mind blowing realities of the complexity of my brain or eye functions.

In my mind this verse is written by one that has a firm grasp on and for the love of their God. There is an understanding of the relentless pursuit of their God for His people. This author has a grasp on the fact that his God is jealous for him. Exodus 34:14 “for you shall worship no other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” Exodus 20:5 “For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God.” Deuteronomy 4:24 “For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” It’s the knowledge that I’m not random in his eyes. It’s “soul knowledge.” It’s that kind of knowledge that comes when you know that you know that you know the truth of something. It has no shred of doubt in it. It’s that soul knowledge that I’m an intricate part of His design and purpose in a redemptive story. It’s that soul knowledge that I was created for His purpose and His alone.

I want to have a firm grasp of God’s pursuit of me. I want my soul to know it not just well, but very well. The problem at times lies in the fact that my job requires me to come across as someone that has this all nailed down. I’m supposed to be the guy that helps people “find themselves” to some degree. People look to me to figure this stuff out and then teach about it. I struggle to take the time to define myself by who I am and not by what I do. I make those two things synonymous at times. If I were to be honest I would say that my job allows me to hide behind a head knowledge all the while struggling to accept it as heart knowledge. Don’t get me wrong. I’m secure in my soul knowledge that God loves me and that he sent His son to die for me. I’ve received His grace by faith regarding my salvation, but I want to know more than that about my God. I want to find myself in Him. I want to see what He sees in me. I want soul knowledge of the reality that my Father spent time to create my inmost being; and to know He knit me together in my mother's womb. I want to see myself as wonderful because He made me not because of what I do or don’t do. I want to find myself in the journey of knowing Him, not for the sake of knowing me, but Him in me. I want to see myself as someone that gives thanks knowing my worth is based on His work in me, not my own.