September 10, 2012

 As a father I have the privilege of playing some of the classic childhood games that I loved as a kid, now with my own children.  However, with my children they don't seem to work the same way.  See Carter, my son with Fragile X, never quite seems to grasp the concept of certain games.  Hide and Seek is his favorite game and he can play it for hours.  The difference lies in the way the game ends for him.  You see when I count and I go looking for him he gets too nervous to hide and whenever I get to close he jumps out and screams, "Here I am!"  Always with the same enthusiasm as the fifteen games before.

Throughout the course of Carters life he has shown me things that reveal the face and heart of God with great clarity.  Even in the midst of an innocent child-like game I see God's desire for me.  Each and every time I watch my son jump out of hiding to declare his presence I want to correct his understanding and help him play the game right, but I can't.  See Carter finds great joy in being found even if he is the one making certain that everyone knows where he is.  He doesn't like hiding.  His heart would burst if he thought someone left him behind or forgot him.  He wants to be known.

I wish I didn't like hiding so much.  Not like hiding in a game, but in life.  I totally get the garden scene where Adam and Eve hid from God.  That makes so much sense to me even if it was God they were hiding from.  I hide my sin like no one will find it.  I hide my emotions the same way.  As an extrovert most would say I'm pretty transparent, but that is only partly true.  I'm transparent with the safe stuff.  Even the edgy stuff that I promote as part of my past I will put out there for most to see, but not the real stuff that consumes me today.  You could say that I'm a pro at Hide and Seek, but the problem is I'm hiding the wrong things and failing to seek the one that heals.

 Now at first glance one might think both the writer and the writing here is a bit gloomy, but quite the contrary.  If you haven't followed my writing before you might miss the fact that I primarily only write when I see God moving in His Word while it converges with my life.  Isaiah 65:1 says, "I permitted Myself to be sought by those who did not ask for Me; I permitted Myself to be found by those who did not seek Me, I said, "Here am I, here am I," to a nation which did not call on My name."  Today I write because I recognize that God is allowing me to find Him even when I haven't been seeking Him.  Couching in my dark corner hoping the light will not reveal my heart is not an option any longer.  He found me.  He redeemed me.  He loves me and holds each and every part of my life regardless of how hard I try to hide.