July 11, 2011

I realized why I don’t write much for the public eye anymore.  It typically costs me something to be real and honest.  See, to be rooted in a culture that thrives on security and safety in almost every aspect of our lives people find that honesty upsets those norms.  People don’t like it when the mainstream is questioned or challenged.  We like status quo and we like uneventful routines that make us feel something comfortable inside.  Well I have to admit there is a part of me that is slowly dying inside because of this pursuit for normalcy. It's the incremental loss of my risk taking spirit.

Those that really know me, which is a pretty small group, know that I’ve always surrounded myself with spiritual risk takers.  However, the older I get the harder it seems to find real Godly risk takers. This isn’t simply contained to HI, but with my peers globally. We’ve gotten older and some would say wiser.  But deep down I miss being around people that believed they could actually change the world.  People desperately wanting to be remembered for more than their church attendance, career success or community reputations.  I’m not talking about rebellious spirits or ego driven hot shots that have something to prove.  I know this because throughout life I’ve been both of these.  I’m talking about people that are emotionally starved and crying out for so much more than an American dream.  People that want worship to be more than the latest Tomlin or Hillsong radio hit. People that want revival in a land of dry bones.  I’m talking about people desperate for a church audience that cares less about themselves and more about unreached people that sit within yards of their seats every Sunday morning. 

I’m thirty-six years old and this piece in me that seems to be dying inside would, to many, be chalked up to family life, career and just plain getting older.  But the thing is that the more comfortable I get in these postures the more I feel the presence of my God slipping away. His voice is more distant and his challenge to me less pressing.  His Word gets more academic and His people more... well, honestly, annoying.  I thought the opportunity to come serve in Hawaii would be a gateway to reach people on a global scale, but instead I continue to hear the need for me to slow down and stop worrying about things.  This motto of “No worries.” at times has become a thorn in my heart and my greatest worry.   See "No worries." in many respects points to this relaxed and laid back perception to life in general.  My worry is that this "No worries." idea has rooted itself into the perception of the gospel message as well.

I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I seem to be in a hurry and I guess for those that don’t really know me that would be an accurate statement.  But truly, it’s not about being in a hurry, it’s more about this restlessness inside of me that wants something more in the church, my home and my life. I feel like if I just slow down and begin to enjoy life I'll lose a part of me.  That desire to live in the unknown and the realms of "stupid faith" (refer to previous post on the meaning of stupid faith), it's that part of me that I feel keeps me close to Him. I know that sounds contradictory with scripture and the need to be still before the Lord, but there is a part of me that genuinely fears getting comfortable with life and the gospel. Slowing down and settling in makes me feel like I might lose that sense and greatness of my God.  That sense of wonder that believes He calls people to move to China or Rwanda to teach English as missionaries, even in their fifties. That faith that he moves young families to the middle of the Pacific to preach the gospel.

To me slowing down and getting comfortable with life means settling and settling in the church and gospel ministry is an ugly picture. It's where the Sunday morning experience literally takes the life out of me as our corporate gatherings culturally become the end all in our spiritual pilgrimage.  The details of services and buildings, numbers and dollar signs, heads in the pews, slick advertising, and catch phrase series; all this has replaced our spirit to take God-sized risks.  Or worse, that is our idea of God sized risks. 

Lord, continue to convict my heart to never settle for doing church.  Give me your world view of the gospel message that will remain etched on my heart.  Please help me to work within the framework of a culture that desperately needs to know of your grace and merciful forgiveness. I don’t want to grow up and become content with this world or the things in it. Give me a heart for You and your Word. This is my prayer…